How to Start Forgiveness

[Martha Randolph Carr]

This one has been occupying my thoughts lately with unexpected twists and turns. Mostly because those from the past, of course, that I'd like to have a conversation with about why they did what they did, aren't interested. And those I would rather let go of, keep calling and emailing. And those who I had thought were gone forever suddenly eloquently reappeared with such grace in their hearts. In other words, none of it is going as I would have plotted out and yet, I'm learning how to let go of what I thought had to be and let of those last tight corners of resentment or feelings of victimhood. It's all pointless because first of all I have no control - and that's the good news - and second of all there are better things to be doing with my time. I would love to hear from others if they're working on the same dense nut.

[Lynn Serafinn]

Hi Martha,
I haven't really gotten started on this network yet, but thought I would check it out before the end of 2008. How wonderful it is to find the topic "Forgiveness" in the Forum.

This year, I completed my first book (coming out in April 2009). I thought I had finished the book in February, when I had completed the 2nd draft. But something about the book in general, and one story in particular, felt "unfinished", yet I could not understand quite what it was. Then, event happened in my life that gave me the opportunity to meet my ex-husband, whom I had not seen in over 6 years. We had a long history of domestic violence, and I rationalised that I had nothing to say to him, as he had never admitted to the abuse. I believed I had moved on and therefore told myself that there was nothing really to talk about. However, what I did not realise was that this avoidance was actually keeping me in a holding pattern. By avoiding him, I was still passing judgement upon his past behaviour. And when we judge, it is we who are stuck, not the other person.

One day this past spring, circumstances arose that put us together at a family gathering. I was astonished to find that my ex-husband, after all the years of silence, was extremely eager to make peace and to apologise to me. It was extremely poignant. I said, with all my heart, "There is no need." It was only at that moment that I realised I actually had moved on. To my amazement, I found I did not "need" his apology because, in my heart, there was actually nothing to forgive. My life was wonderful, and everything I had learned and experienced since we split up could only have come about as a result of our experience together. But, I also realised that it was important that I accept his apology as an act of love, to lighten the burden of his heart. And in doing so, it also lightened my own heart more than it had ever been in my entire life.

What I learned from that experience is this: true forgiveness is as easy as a drop of water rolling off a leaf in the rain. If it feels difficult, it means that we are still carrying something within our own hearts. If we are gripping tightly to that burden, we cannot "let go", and we will spend enormous amounts of energy rationalising our position. Letting go comes when we achieve peace within ourselves, and we have "no need" to carry the burden of judgement anymore. The greatest act of non-violence we can perform is to forgive, because it brings peace to everyone, including ourselves.

After that incident, I was not only able to complete the story, but also the entire book with ease. It was this "holding on" that was keeping the book from being complete.

In Indian tradition, one of the 6 divine opulences is "non-attachment". To be able to let go, without the need to judge what is "good" or "bad", is divine quality. When we act from "divine", our happiness is always assured. It is actually in our own best interest to reach a point where forgiveness is not even necessary for ourselves, and we only offer it to others so as to make the journey lighter for them.

On my way to Devon for a holiday (southwest England). See you all in the New Year.
Warm wishes,
Lynn

[ERIC]

I surrender for Peace,
its a calm easy Surrender.

Peace that gives me room to be.
a place to Breathe,
a space for Presents.

In Being here Now,

I lose my story,
I gain Aware of my shallow thoughts,
with their imagined problems.