How to Start Forgiveness

[Martha Randolph Carr]

This one has been occupying my thoughts lately with unexpected twists and turns. Mostly because those from the past, of course, that I'd like to have a conversation with about why they did what they did, aren't interested. And those I would rather let go of, keep calling and emailing. And those who I had thought were gone forever suddenly eloquently reappeared with such grace in their hearts. In other words, none of it is going as I would have plotted out and yet, I'm learning how to let go of what I thought had to be and let of those last tight corners of resentment or feelings of victimhood. It's all pointless because first of all I have no control - and that's the good news - and second of all there are better things to be doing with my time. I would love to hear from others if they're working on the same dense nut.

[Carol Ann Bowe]

Hi Martha,

So many people to forgive, so little time, so much resistance! I wish I had a boiler plate forgiveness formula to pass on. I too have been wrestling with this one a lot lately out of necessity. The best I have come up with is to recognize the experience of pain that compels someone to share their pain by inflicting it others; misery loves company. On a subconscious level, one is seeking to move painful energy away from themselves onto another, because it is simply too much for them to bear. From this perspective, I can begin to view others with compassion and it becomes somewhat easier to at least contemplate forgiveness.

[Martha Randolph Carr]

I agree - and the motivation I use to work through the pain is the realization that attempting to give misery away only increases it, bonds others to me for the wrong reasons and the underlying pain is still present but may now have even stronger roots. Sometimes just sitting with the pain or grief or even resentment helps it to dissipate. Then it doesn't become attached to anything in the present moment.

[Lisa C. Marks]

My brother passed away a year ago this month. It's still a "fresh" wound for me and my family. Mike and I had a difficult relationship - he was 3 yrs. older, but I felt like the older child. I felt I was always "cleaning up" after him....When he got very sick in 2005, I didn't know then if he'd stay or go - but for whatever reasons, he hung around another year and 8 mo. And when he left, it was sudden - not expected, even tho he was definitely not well....I've carried a lot of guilt about our relationship and my judgments around how he wasn't taking care of himself and being grateful for this "second chance" at life; as well, I have had to do a lot of self-forgiveness realizing that the relationship was exactly the way it was supposed to be for both of us and our journey together this time. I talk to him a lot - have asked his forgiveness, and feel it's there on both sides. In fact, I feel our relationship is actually closer now. That may seem weird to say, but that's what my gut tells me.

[Martha Randolph Carr]

Lisa - that was beautiful, and I loved the part about still working through it, still speaking to him. I've been doing a lot of that myself lately - with people both living and out of reach, and dead - who actually seem easier to reach.

[Martha Randolph Carr]

I suppose because of my willingness I had this enormous breakthrough. I realized that there was an entire piece of myself that I have spent a lifetime pushing away. I've done it for so long that I see this piece within myself as a separate person and refer to part of me as 'she'. And she contains all of the emotions that I didn't like and was every afraid of. Every time I felt any of those I worked at 'coming back to center' using whatever methods I have learned. But since moving to NYC, probably because it was a fulfillment of such a strong desire and because the landscape was so alien it became harder to push her back down so quickly and she got the chance to live on the surface for longer stretches. In those moments I felt unmoored and at times it even felt like the landscape was rocking. The grief was overwhelming. Then last week a new thought occurred to me. If doing the same thing all the time expecting a different outcome is crazy then I'd like to try something new. The only new response I knew of was to invite 'her' to stay and allow the feelings. Rapidly, I got it. To allow, to accept means not only the good but what I judged as the bad. The center isn't something I contrive but is just to be and contains all parts - of course. Even in this short space I look at all of the energy I gave to this project and wonder what will happen now. So much of it for me is forgiveness. I thought (a lot) that it was an apology from others that I needed in order to move on but it was recognition from myself.

[Paul Randolph]

Martha, thank you for starting this thread and inviting me in. This struck a cord with me when I read it this morning and I thought about it through the day. I was reading about forgiveness last night before I went to sleep and then drawn here this morning.

I was immediately reminded of one of the last conversations I had with my wife before her untimely death. She asked me if I would ever forgive her. I gave a thoughtful answer, explaining that I didn't feel like it was really something I was capable of, that it comes from some higher place. I was trying to say that I already had forgiven her in my heart, and that I didn't feel like she should need to ask for forgiveness for her illness, but she took it as a rejection of formal forgiveness. It frustrated me that I couldn't articulate my feelings in a way that would get through her illness and her inability to forgive herself for being sick. We never were able to work it out in life, but I feel like perhaps now the understanding is there.

I love what you added since this morning. It brings it together for me and leads the same way I was headed. Forgiveness is truly about finding compassion for ourselves. Often, the barriers are within us and we project them on to others. When we see this in others it becomes very difficult to accept them. Acceptance of ourselves and others can only happen when we move beyond the black and white thinking of "good" and "bad". This is very difficult for those of us who have lived much of our lives trying to be all "good".

[Martha Randolph Carr]

I like that idea Paul of 'good' and 'bad'. It reminds me of the idea of all or nothing or terminal uniqueness and not to strive so much for justice or winning but instead realize the gift in mercy. I'm finding also that it's necessary on the issues where I struggle with forgiveness not to slide into behavior in some other area, like watching more TV or over-eating, just to distract myself from not thinking about how resentful or worried I am. It's an old habit to distract away from what really matters with more petty outward concerns. In other words as I get closer to being okay with something just sitting in the uncomfortable moments and being.

[Martha Randolph Carr]

An interesting twist to forgiveness has been happening for me lately. Financially, I was caught between someone who owed me funds and someone I owed funds to - which gave me a chance to see things simultaneously from both sides. The small bits of panic from two different angles - and then my own. The forgiveness that seemed to be called for - the opportunity - was to understand that all is well and stop judging anyone, myself included. In the past I liked to (and I know I liked to because of how often I chose to do it) try to decide if every decision I'd made that got me to that point was the 'right' one. In other words, could I judge myself as okay or as a loser. Game on. Much harder to just say, this is what it is, we're all okay. Get back to your lives. That would be forgiveness for all the old thoughts, no forgiveness was necessary for the set of circumstances. They just are. For me, that is an entirely new concept. Okay, as is.

[Murside Turan Jean]

My throat chakra must have cleared up because I am finally ready to speak...And yes, I must be one of those who is breezing in (finally!) with grace to this forum. Sigh!

On forgiveness: I was doing a walking meditation yesterday and 'forgiveness' came up for me. Without getting into the gory details, I allowed myself the life lesson of learning this one. I believe it all boils down to the word 'mistake'. First, there is the belief that some thing or some act is a mistake. Ha ha..that's the first mistake! Nevertheless, the next 'mistake' is the act of someone performing the first 'mistake'--violation! The subsequent 'mistakes' are all the emotions triggered from being violated, victimized, blah, blah, blah, i.e. 'How dare you do something so horrid to me, to my sense of (blank)? How could they even do 'that' or think of doing 'that'? The final mistake is the feeling of Judgement...another topic for discussion.

The bottom line. It is all learning. There are no mistakes. The only thing we light beings ever wanted and still want to do is to, plain and simply, 'feel' all those emotions from all those 'mistakes'. Being in ether/spirit form, between lives, must get boring because you don't get all the 'juicy' aspects of feeling. We're just too happy up there or out there or wherever. So, we come down here, but, then, we forgot why we came here in the first place. But, you never figure this out until you work through the cycles of forgiveness and its emotions. Some get it, some never do. I am happy to say that I do not know if I got it. All I know is that I went through a few rounds of it, this lifetime, and I became aware of my first 'mistake'. Illusion is probably a better word. The illusion was having a fixed belief system based on current and past lifetime perceptions of what is good and what is bad.

So, I think forgiveness came in the form of forgiving myself for having rigidity to my ways of thinking and believing. There is a term I've learned called the "Jahari Window". It means 'you don't know what you don't know'. The ultimate blind spot. We all have these. We just have to forgive ourselves each time we try to swerve into it. And to remember that we are actually quite Perfect.

[Tym Moss]

Wow,

Thank you everyone for these amazing insights. You're all confirming for me some deep shifts I'm currently going through.

I had deeksha performed this last Sunday. It is an Indian deep meditation, blessing and energy transference. They have always resulted in a very deep spiritual awakening. I can still feel the transformation within occuring. I've decided there is no word in English to describe the area of my soul that was awakened. Ancient or primal are the 2 closest words I can find.

Along with this, I'm exercising a philosophy that was presented to me and the 2 are certainly beginning to open new levels of spiritual understanding which are working for me.

Basically, there is nothing to forgive.

Everything that has happened in our lives up to now, what is happening now, and anything that is going to happen to us are all meant to be. The joy, the sorrow, the pain, the bliss, the anger, the happiness, etc is all part of our perfect design. We are supposed to experience these things to become our own each individual spirits/souls.

Society has a way of filling our heads with "Well, that's not right. That's not how it is supposed to be. That shouldn't have happened. We should never have to experience things that will make us feel bad." Wrong! That's exactly how it was supposed to happen and did. If there was no sad, then we wouldn't be able to know when we're happy. Perspective is a matter of comparison. If you haven't felt down then you can't feel up.

I've been really applying the practice that when something bad happens or someone says or does something bad to me, I try to be appreciative and acceptant of the experience/feeling and let it pass. It was meant to be.

Granted, I"m still working on it, but practice does make perfect, right?

I"m still working on things from my past that I've allowed to clog my flow. But now I try to approach them with appreciation and acceptance so I can release them. I guess that's forgiveness!

Forgiveness is kind of like 'Cosmic Drano'!!!!

Love, Light and Peace to all,
Tym

[ERIC]

I think I can bring down the Idea of' good and bad ' to liking and disliking.

Good= what I like
Bad = all the things I dislike

even right and wrong is just my judging what I like and don't.

Related to forgiveness, and I believe in reality there is nothing to forgive.
that being said if I believe someone or something has done me wrong, I forgive
for myself, for my own piece of mind.

I've noticed from past experience, my holding resentment is only punishing to my mind and body.

Its Me, Willing
--------------------------------------
How can I Suffer, after I'm aware I cause, I choose, its me.

When I realize my reaction, judging, my liking and disliking are what drive me.

How can I be afraid of things, of life, that's part of what I'm here for, to do things,

to live my life.

Willingness to notice is a Key for me.

I spent my life trying to alter externals, trying to get what I want:

Friends, lovers, relationships, money, stuff, things, experiences, etc.

They come and go, they pass, they are illusion.

God grant me the awareness, the willingness, to stop seeking Love,

appreciation and approval, and find them in myself.

[Martha Randolph Carr]

I like that - the idea of mercy, which has no right and wrong, only forgiveness, as opposed to judgment which is all about the figuring out who has the moral high ground.